Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Country Girl, with a Top Coat of City

I strive to better myself in so many ways, but one thing I strive for is the ability to handle my life circumstances, and those around me with compassion, grace, and dignity.
These are attributes I see mostly in my Mother, and Grandmother, as well as my Mother's sisters,, it is something I admire, and greatly desire for my adult life.

I grew up in a small town, actually outside of a small town, really a no town in Ohio,, southeastern Ohio, which is very different then north eastern ohio,, very, for one thing we grow up extremely close to ( like went shopping, and my mom worked) to Parkersburg West Virginia,, need I say more,, nope.
I lived on a road that was basically a dirt road with asphalt rock stuff smushed on top, no white, or yellow lines, and really mostly potholes, it ran parallel to the Ohio River.
My house when I was little was really tiny, and old, it was the house owned by the church my dad preached at, which was also somewhat tiny, and old.
Our nearest neighbors lived over the holler, they also went to our church, our parents were best of friend, and the kids were my best of friends.... we played together almost everyday during the summer, and enjoyed our fun times before, and after church services.
We all rode the bus together, went to school together, played sports together, our fathers coached the same highschool football team,, we would christmas carol together, sled together, get in trouble together, our lives were so intertwined when we moved away ( at age 16) it was truly a devastating blow.
My Dad decided the summer heading into my Junior year of highschool to move to Portland Oregon,,,, clear across the country to the CITY!!!
Anyone that knows me knows,, i definitely do not need any extra moms,, the term "second mom" is foreign to me,, because really my mom is enough for 5 more kids, she is a very dedicated woman who loves me, and my sisters more then life itself,,, but I had two actually three women who my mom trusted to take care of us, and take on motherly duties, that was a big deal,,, I really loved them, and it was really very hard to say goodbye.
Moving to Portland was scary, starting a new school my junior year was very scary, my new highschool was literally the size of 6 of my old highschools put together,,,! I slowly adapted, slowly, made friends more towards the end of my junior year when i started training for track,,, my friends were the "jock" girls that really didnt party, we just played sports,,.
Living in the country I always felt so small, and like I was missing out on so much going on in the big city,,, I used to tell my mom I wished the trees were buildings, and that I was going to one day move to the City,,, then moving to the city,, i longed for the trees and the quite,, fresh air, and the ability to walk to your mailbox with your pj's on and not worry bout being seen.
The beauty of the move is that i met glorious people that left a huge imprint on my life,,, that are sooooo very different,.
My parents to this day still feel bad about moving us,,, not sure but I think if someone hit rewind we would have stayed,, cant even begin to speculate how different my life would be if that were the case.

My Mom: Can be a very quite individual, some have taken that the wrong way, she just really is a humble sort, who likes to take things in, analyze then speak,,... Usually ( actually mostly all the time) the words that she speaks are very wise.
My mom is very much a genius, literally her IQ is higher then most you will meet,,, and she has talents that are unique... I have not seen to many that are so good at the various, and odd things she excels at.
First she is an artist, her painting if you are lucky enough to see them ( she is shy about them) are beautiful,,, yet she isnt like most artists in that they are absent minded and unorganized,, she is actually the opposite very detail orientated, organized, and that is what led her into nursing,,, actually at one point she was on the road to be a Dr. but decided to have ummm me lol.
She taught nursing, she worked as a bedside nurse, and her last position was one of management/case management... she was always very good because she pays attention to each and every detail.
She is fiercely loyal to my father, and her children, she is a Godly woman, who is truly a very compassionate soul,, she is also one to try to control every situation, and worries constantly about her family.

My Dad: Also highly intelligent. My dad grew up playing football, and was good, he played for a team in Ohio, that produces players that move onto college, or the NFL,, he grew up in the town that is home to the football hall of fame.
He was a trouble maker in highschool, and somehow made it to Vietnam,,, where thankfully he listened to God, and made a 360,,, he finished college and is a pastor,, the reason for our move was so he could continue on in his education and entered a masters program.... he speaks different languages, and is well versed in theology.
He is mostly a very relaxed optimist,, ( at times)

My parents are both very unique, and very different people.... and my strength is something i believe they nurtured.
My mom has taught me to be compassionate and kind,, my father has taught me to search for answers on my own, and to always search for good... my mom has taught me to be humble,, my father has taught me to be confident and fight for what you believe in.
My mother taught me to be a lady,, my father taught me to play sports,,both taught me to be competitive (:
My father is a fighter, and as I grew up watched him learn to harness that determination and use it for the good causes he believes in.
My mother is a quite stealthy sort,, that is very stubborn, and determined......have watched her learn to trust and let go.

I have a lot to learn,,but thankfully I have great humans to look to for guidance... I have learned in a short time to let go of my selfish behavior and learn to look for the needs in others, to forgive quickly and truly.
In the past my biggest regret would be my quickness to anger, and my ability to use my words to hurt others,,, now ( although i am not perfect) i try to be patient and think before i speak..
I thank God everyday for giving me the parents I have, and for the wonderful childhood I was blessed with... I thank him for country folk I grew up with, and for learning the meaning of true friendship and love from them,, they are like my own family, and I owe so much to them... I am thankful for my city folk that taught me to have an open mind and not judge someone based on the outer appearance,, that beauty is found in very different things, and not to fear something just because it is unknown.... my first 30 years have been packed full of new and different experiences, good/bad, and each one has taught me,,, each one i take a bit of wisdom,,, these are the patches in my quilt,,, this is the quilt I use to embrace my son.... each patch makes us stronger, and for that I am so very thankful

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Round Three, or is it Four, wait, maybe it is Five,, ooh who knows

Terrified/stressed/nervous,,,,, to explain my feelings i use this analogy,,, have you ever played a competitive sport?? Have you ever made it to a final in that sport? Do you know the "game day jitters"? Ok, mulitply that by 1,000, and you have me,, 24/7....
Asher's Echo was not what we were expecting, really, he looks great, gaining weight, echo shows heart function is down...
So he has two issues right now, collaterals ( veins going in a big circle heading to no particular place) those are taking blood, and making the heart make/pump more blood,,,, also narrow aortic arch ( which was enlarged/made during 1st open heart) due to scar tissue more then likely.
The hope is that the collaterals/aortic arch are causing the heart to work harder, thus causing lower funtions, the right ventricle ( his only) is getting tired of supplying these crap collaterals for no reason.
The SMALL BUT SCARY possibility is that the collaterals, and aortic arch are not causing the low function that it is in itself his heart slowly getting tired of using 1/2 to do the work that a whole heart would that case things could get ugly.
Also the cath lab is where this surgical proceedure is going down,, it is a good thing, no open heart,,however they need to A. get to his heart B. make the balloon things work..... both especialy getting to the heart can be tricky since he has sooooo many clots in the areas that the cath usually gains entry.
Sooooo with all of those risks, and as if I were not enlightned to the suckiness of this defect the word Transplant was brought up...
My mind went right to that word, and FREAKED OUT, big time.
I also have a lot of work to do, not just being a mom, but coordinating this thing,, asher has serious health issue which include strokes,,, clots, and he has a lineup of docs,,, lately been very concerned with staying at our hospital, and keeping these doctors informed, so that if things head south they can nip it in the bud........Do I like this job, NOPE, but hey it is better then mistakes, or confusion,.
I am not looking forward to being admitted, to being taken from my home, to have Asher in a strange crib, strange room, strange dirt, strange smells, sounds, lights you name it,,,,again I enjoy my privacy, and def dont get that in a ICU.
I tend not to dwell on the INCONVIENANCE as my thoughts are swaying toward survival,, with both baby brain, and limbs intact,,, i say this because both were almost lost last surgery.
We had a small break, went home, revcovered, licked our wounds from what we saw, heard, and felt,,, Now going back seems harder, we got a taste of peace, love, comfort, and the beautiful sight of our son, not screaming, struggling, and fighting to survive,, this admission may be easy, this surgery may be a piece of cake, or it could really be just the opposite, we are used to the opposite, and that is where the fear comes from,,, it is not the unknown that we fear, it is what we already KNOW,,, it haunts us,,.

I walk around, go to therapy, pick up dinner, clean, play with asher, hug asher,, all the while mentally GEARING up, prepping myself, working on my "game face",, brushing up on my anatomy of the heart, going through the details of his medical history in my mind, preparing for yet another battle, gathering for a big one, and praying for a small one.
I wold looooove to dig a trench and hide in it,,, but i promised Asher before he was even born,, I am with him till the end, this Mama is not going anywhere, i am scared out of my mind and miserable just knowing that he will hurt, but i made a promise, and no matter what the outcome this is a War that we are fighting till the end TOGETHER,...
God has not left us,, he has not led us this far to take his foot of the brake, and say "see ya " not a chance,, so we march on,,, hand in hand, we will go forward scared, but willing to do what it takes for Asher,, all the while knowing he is important both in heaven and on earth.