Friday, October 15, 2010

New update on Asher, and where my heart has been lately

I haven't posted for a while,,, um things have been crazy, will summarize it.
Asher had is 1st b-day, the day after I had severe pain in my tummy, the day after that I had emergency surgery to remove a leaking, and infected/rotten appendix,, so was in the hospital for a week.
Then my in-laws moved to SCarolina, then we moved, not easy, but thankful for all the God has blessed us with.
Then we took a road trip to Ohio state, went to Athens my home town, saw my family, and church family, that was a dream come true!
I truly never thought i would ever have the chance to introduce Asher to my Ohio family, and church family, we have come such a long way, it is amazing.
The trip was hard on Asher, but he held up well, and I learned a lot about myself, and my boy.
We are both pretty capable, and it gave me a new confidence as a Mom.
Asher is in therapy Mon-Thur, he has three therapies on Tue, and two on Thur, he is busy, busy.
He is a little slow hitting certain milestones, but his therapists are beyond thrilled with where he is at, and say he doesn't even act like he had a stroke ( minus his lack of movement in his right arm).

I haven't posted lately, mostly due to being very busy, but also I have been a bit off lately.
I have been struggling with Asher's heart defect, and sad/scared for the future, it sorta seems like my joy was smothered.
To be honest taking him to the park is hard,,, I see moms with healthy kids, and I am jealous, they don't even know the freedom they posses just enjoying, thinking about the future for them is planning for college, and saving to buy the kid a car, for me i am praying Asher makes it to Kindergarten,,, so I hate to be debbie downer, but that is where my heart has been, sorta ticked off.
Last week the heart community lost several kids/young adults/babies,,, and i was overcome with fear, and sadness, fear that we are next, and sadness for the families the loss they have endured is so painful to think about mentally, and spiritually it is hard to "go there".....
I am actively trying to overcome my fear of Asher not making it, and trying to live in the moment and enjoy today!

It is hard to watch him smile,make faces, laugh, work his butt of to stand, roll, and crawl, to know he has one more surgery to endure,,, I watch him, and on the outside I smile,,, on the inside i cry,, and ask for strength to endure the burden, to be a good mom, to teach him to be strong, to teach him to love himself for who he is, and not be upset for who he may not be,,, i have been given a hard task, and sometimes really doubt i am the one for the job,,, i doubt myself, and worry that i am messing up, or will fail,,, but for Asher I keep trying,,, and remember my promise to him,,,, I wont give up on him, ever.

It has been a very hard couple of months for me,,... I dont talk about it to often, and really try not to show it. In my opinion living in fear, and being sad does nothing for Asher,, in fact it could make is life a lot more difficult then it should be, so I DONT let on.
Also dwelling on it, and constantly thinking about the bad parts is not going to make me stronger,, Some people in their lifetime will only fall and pick themselves up a few times, lately i feel like it is a daily occurrence, but i pick myself up, and go on.
I have to say I am proud of myself for that, and thankful for that ability,, my prayer is I continue getting back up, for Asher, for those that love me, and for myself,,,, this is my life, my once chance, and i wont allow my entire life to be spent grieving.