Thursday, May 13, 2010

A lil "Mercy" not so good for the Memories

I watch the show "Mercy" on NBC,, love it..... until the last episode.
For some reason,, they brought up the idea of doing a craniatomy on a patient,,, and it brought back a wave of emotion.
I have, and always have been afraid of Brain surgery,, the very thought of it terrifies me to the core,,, and then the ONLY way to save Asher after all he had been through is what,,? a craniatomy.

I have worked out in my head the "goings on" in the O.R during open heart surgery,, and can handle it,, my mind has never wandered, or probably ever will wander to what happened during Asher's brain surgery.
When he left for surgery i was under the impression they would tap in a tiny hole, and do something that way, kinda like a cath for the brain..... when he came back he had a slice going at an angle from the middle to just above the temple of his tiny bean head,, they had shaved off his hair in the front,, his head was so swollen I could barely recognize him,,, the thought of throwing up came to me,, but since i had done that for an hour while he was in surgery,,, there was nothing left.

I get the fact that without the surgery his brain would have swelled to the point that it pressed on the stem,, i get the point that the only reason he was alive and made it to the surgery is because he had a "baby" head and had "room" for the brain to swell,, but was out of room, and needed help.
I have had a difficult time forgiving the PA who first looked asher over ( on a saturday) and told us he would NOT call neurosurgery he thought the swelling would go down on its own,, lol,, yeah that would NOT have happened, basically he made a fast judgement and didnt think given asher's condition at the time and defect it was "worth" it.. He is a bit slimy,, dont think after all was said, and done he could ever really make eye contact with me,,, i hate that,, if you cant look a mom in the eyes and say you did your best,,, then well, slimy,,.lol

I guess I am thankful for the "Craniatomy",, but at the same time, hate it, and really hate hearing about it.
I hate what Asher had to endure, but love that he made it through.
I hate the idea that Neuro was at one point ready to give up, but I love that God put our Heart Docs,, Asher's protectors on the job, and nipped it in the bud.
Our speech therapist told me today, that when she first learned she was getting Asher a Hypoplastic left heart ( which in general are a bit slow due to long times in the ICU, and lower oxygen levels while developing) buuuuut a stroke victim as well,, she thought for sure she was getting a baby close to a veggie,, and then walks me, carrying Asher,,, today he ate his baby food while working the handle on a farm toy to make it spin, and oink, or spin, and moo, or spin, bark... the speech therapist looked at me and said "for a "normal" 9 month old he is a genius, but for what he has been through he is super genius,,, he is nothing like he looks on paper."
For a brief moment I was sad,,,, she never saw him before surgery at a 12 weeks old reaching for toys,,, she never heard one of our favorite ICU docs rave about how smart he was, and beam with pride,,,, he is really good, and i am thankful,, but a part of me hurts and has to grieve for what he was, and what now he has to overcome to get to.
Wallace has told me over and over, and said the day of his brain surgery " at least he is still with us, we will deal with the rest, whatever come."
I agree, at least he is with us, and we are ready to overcome!
Asher is not getting left behind,, if that means therapy every day with tue, and thur being two a days,,, then so be it,, we are fighting!

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