The Fiasco called Mothers Day

Mothers Day has always been a bit of a sore spot in my heart.
With mothers day fast approaching,, it reminds me of the sore, and it itches, cant stand the itch.
I also think about several of my friends that have lost children, and have to wonder if they to feel the itch.
A lot of people don't know this, because a few years ago I gave up talking about it to often.. if found most of the time I didn't like the response I got when i brought it up, so it has been my very own cross to bear.

I have been a mother for a long time, actually gave birth to a little girl 9pounds 6ounces 22 inches long on March 12, 2001.
Her name is Jewel Elizabeth Couto, and she was delivered in the evening via emergency C-section.
I never got to hear her cry.. her lungs were never able to be cleared from blood that she had inhaled.
I was young 21, almost 22, and pretty much clueless up until the day I had that little girl.
I really hadn't known anyone that died, except my great granpa and he was old, so we all kinda expect that right??

This was a shock to me,,, it hurt,. I felt alone, and scared, felt as though there was some huge reason this had happened, like maybe deep down God knew I was going to be a crap mom, so he took her,,, or because i wasnt done with college, unmarried, and poor that he took her,, I had all these inadequacies that i was sure God saw, and I was sure that is why he took her home.
I struggled with depression, started drinking, and pretty much tried to pretend like it hadnt happened at all.
Like I was a normal 21 turning 22 year old without a care in the world. For a month, or so after I lost Jewel I would tell people about her,,, and get either an I am sorry, or wow, how long did she live??.. i always wondered about that question... still to this day don't understand why people ask it??? Like because she only lived for a few minutes it would hurt less or something??
As I lived my life filling hurt with activity, partys, dating cute guys, having tons of friends, in the back of my mind lived Jewel, lived a hurt that I just wasnt sure I could face.
With the help of a few friends, and God slowly i managed to find my way back to him, slowly I was able to examine portions of that pain, and slowly began to heal, began to mend fences, and began using what I had learned from Jewel to better myself, and the way I treated those around me.

Every year on March 12th my heart hurts, it has never gotten easier, never, and doubt it ever will. Those that know what happened call, send cards, flowers, and pray... it is a day to remember the little girl I got to hold, but never got to know.
I must say mothers day has always been somewhat of a sham,,, i hated it,, sometimes I would get a card, or at church would get whatever gift they gave to all the mothers,, but I always felt like it was taunted me, a cruel and very unfunny joke.
The day I found about about Asher's heart defect, also felt like a cruel joke?? I mean really??? A freak birth incident took my perfectly healthy daughter, and now my son has a health issue unlike anything anyone in my family has ever seen?? WHAT?!?

I was shocked because up until that point I was sure that because of Jewel passing, and all the suffering I had endured meant that was it, no more, would get to be a mom the easy way like everyone else... yep, thought wrong.
I remember walking out of the Dr. office the day we found out about asher's hlhs crying,, waddling out and crying, wallace went to go get the car,, my mother in law stood with me, and honestly if she had not been there I probably would have screamed!!! Can you imagine walking past a chubby little blond pregnant girl screaming and crying,,? I totally wanted to walk over to the brick wall and start kicking it,, hard just kick it and scream!! I was totally for lack of a better word PISSED, not even at God, just one hundred percent pissed off!!
I did not deserve this,, i had earned an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby,, the entire way home I cried, with my hands clenched, just pissed.
Got home went to bed, and cried, wallace held me, we both cried, he called my mom and told her,, i was so upset I couldnt even talk to my own mother.
That mothers day I was pregnant with Asher... we went to church,, i got the gift,,, wallace gave me my gift, we had dinner with his family. The entire day was spent thinking Mothers Day was still a sham, now more so then ever, now I have a baby in heaven, and a baby soon to join her in heaven ( i was just sure of it),,, what cruel joke is that??? I just knew it was because I would be a bad mom,, there had to be some reason that I would never be a "real" mom.....
This mothers day is creeping up, and it is bringing with it new feelings,, still some hold hurt... but with that hurt comes a bit of shock, and happiness, very bitter sweet.
I made it, Asher made it, we made it,, I can get a mothers day gift, and feel like I earned it, but this time I DESERVE IT!!

I know for sure I am not a perfect mom, there are times that i forget the most simple of things, like if i ate lunch, or to make a phone call..also washing my hair seems to be a problem... there are times when my poor husband has no boxers because I forgot to do his laundry, or mail has piled up because i haven't gotten around to sorting it,,, but let me tell you something... Asher has never run out of clothes, his laundry basket is always empty, he always gets a bath,, his room is always clean not a speck of dust,, his toys get cleaned every night, his stroller sanitized, have never missed a dose of his meds, he has never missed a doctor appointment,, he has never sat and cried in his crib,, never sits alone without his mama,,,,, I love that little boy, so very much,, and I feel like I deserve my mothers day card this year.!!

It is a little bit harder now that i have had Asher, and know the joy of feeling his warm little arms around my neck, and being so tired for all the right reasons,, because I know now the wonderful things I missed with Jewel.
I only ever got to hold her, she wasn't even alive,, i never got to feed her, change her diaper, and be her mom,, until now i was totally unaware of all i missed,, i had speculations of what it would have been like, but now I know, and it does hurt a bit more, and makes me miss her just a bit more. She was a beautiful, little girl , with long fingers ( very similar to ashers) beautiful pudgy cupid lips, a tiny little snub nose, and TON of blond brown straight fuzz hair.
She was simply gorgeous,,, I miss her very much.

I am very thankful for the chance I have now to be a mom, and pray for my friends this holiday that have lost their child.