I believe there is a bit of technology behind faith, years of study, training, surgeries that failed, trails of heartache, and tears.
Ultimately I know the hundreds of people praying.... Good Christians pouring their hearts out to God on behalf of Asher is why he blows raspberries like a pro today.
I watched Asher struggle, and fight, my heart hurt, and the tears would flow.
There would always be one person who either didn't care enough to actually think about the words coming out of their mouth, or didn't know how to show they cared.
It was inevitable someone would say..."you gotta have ENOUGH faith,,, if you believe ENOUGH God will heal he will, or pray hard ENOUGH."
These words at first glance are harmless, but if you really think about them, they bite.
It was as if I didn't pray hard enough, or have enough faith that my baby would be born healthy, so God stuck it to me by giving me a baby with HLHS.
I always wanted to set people straight, but really didn't feel like investing the energy into educating the thoughtless, or ignorant comments.
Months before I delivered Asher I actually had a lady tell me God wouldnt answer prayers to save my son because of my beliefs on heaven!
She said my beliefs were wrong, so God considered me a sinner, and would punish me by punishing my son??!! REALLY? It amazed me she actually thinks God has time for all that catty nonsense in the first place. Like I am some huge blob on his radar, and as soon as I screw up my little baby gets it!
Although it takes MASSIVE amounts of faith, and prayer to survive what my husband and I went through it also takes a walk with reality.
The reality is our son needed surgery ( surgeries). We couldn't just deliver him into this world, take him home, pray super hard, and if God answered we were high on the faith meter, and if he didnt we just didn't pray hard enough, and better luck next time.
God isn't the great big wish maker in the sky!
Our son's heart was, and is damaged.
I know several moms who have lost their babies to this horrible heart defect, babies very young, babies 5mnths old, babies 5years old.
You would be a fool to think these women didn't pray, and didn't have faith God would heal there children.
Yet they dont have their children on earth, Why?
Without getting into a huge theological debate, because that is definitely not what this blog is about.. I have to say this... the world is flawed just like Asher's heart, it is imperfect, people are damaged, it rains on both the good, and the evil.
These are good women that have suffered great loss, and we don't know why... but we know that those babies are in heaven, and wont have to endure another surgery, or complications that can arise from surgery,, and one day we can ask God, why?
I inwardly cringe when people say " Asher is alive because he is so strong",,, although I know this is NEVER said out of harm, or out of ignorance,, my mind goes to the women that have lost a child,, and I wonder how this comment would make them feel.
As a mother who has lost a little perfectly healthy baby girl to complications during labor,,, and knowing she fought hard, and still went to heaven, it hurts to think she wasnt "strong" enough.
Her circumstances were awful, and she was without oxygen for so long,, God spared her pain, and took her home,, that was her plan.
Asher's next surgery could go as smooth as silk, or could be a complete disaster.
He could very easily have another stroke, there are a multitude of problems that can arise.
I feel safe knowing God has a plan for Asher whether it be in heaven, or on earth.
Do I want him to fight with all he has? Yes! Do I think he is strong?? You bet!
I also pray a prayer every night that hurts to pray,,, asking God to take him home if he is to suffer unspeakable pain, and not get better,, to spare my sweet boy extra hurt,, that prayer hurts.
The point of this entry is if you see someone that you care about struggling with grief especially over a sick child, loss of a child, or a loved one, think about what you say.
Don't say you know how they feel-even if you are going through the exact same form of struggle you don't know exactly how they feel,, you can relate, but we are not them, and their grief is their own, let them have it.
Let the person know you care, and are praying, tell them that God will never leave them.
I always knew someone really cared, and rather enjoyed it when they would skip talking all together, and would just give me a hug, and let me cry.
Sometime there is so much hurt, there is no room for words,,, that is the time to Leave the Bumper Sticker on the Car.
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Charity--I agree. We can't really "know" why our child, at least not fully, not now. But I will say, I've by now met a lot people who have had a child with HLHS and they aren't "bad people," in fact, they're almost uncannily wonderful people in general. Like you said, we live in a fallen world and each and every one of us suffers in some way on this earth. I really believe God is working miracles in the CHD community. When He answers our prayers, it's not only to fulfill our desires, but to further His glory through our kids and the love we have for them, our families, and others. He has not necessarily chosen that our children should suffer, because God desires good things for His children, and He will ultimately turn all to good if we let Him. But I DO believe God HAS chosen us to further His glory through this situation. (Margaret) :)
ReplyDeletePS I never actually thought about comments about Asher being strong or a fighter hurting someone who'd lost their child. I guess I would say that believing Asher is strong doesn't mean the child who has passed was not strong too. I feel Kieran is really strong, as in, he has always had a drive and will to live. But I don't think other children have died because they weren't strong enough inside. Sometimes the things we're up against (any of us) are just too great, no matter how badly we want it to be otherwise.
ReplyDeleteAmen, Charity, amen... There have been times when I've been absolutely speechless (and I think that was a God thing!) and could only hug and cry with them. Other times, in my great desire to DO something, just opened my mouth and let some trite cliche or some thoughtless (ie: without thinking) words come out that I kicked myself for later. After reading your blog, unless I've given it serious thought beforehand with your words in mind, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. A hug or even a touch on the arm is better than saying something I can't take back or that would add even greater pain. Thankyou so much for the insight....
ReplyDeletelove you guys,
Sharron
Sometimes Sharron I really do think God does give us wisdom to say just the right thing, you are right on!!
ReplyDeleteI remember once crying and asking my parents why this was happening, and my dad said " he didnt know why God was choosing not to heal Asher at that moment". He and my mom were hurting right along with me,, and for some reason knowing that they were a bit confused, and hurt in that moment, and didnt have all the answers made me feel better, weird probably.
Grief is strange, everyone has different ways of dealing with it, my way is probably not the same as the mom that was down the hall from us, that is i guess what makes us all special!!
Love you Sharron
I'm so sorry for your pain and all the struggles you are going through. I'm sorry that people are so warped to tell you that your sins could have possibly caused this. This isn't your fault. You and your family re very strong.
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