The Begining of life with Survivorman

I found my Journal I was writing in during the begining of Asher's very long stay in the Intensive Care Unit

July 30,2009
Lil Asher-
Today I watched as the IV team dug around trying to find a way to put your IV in- your central line may clot.
The IV guy eventually put a line in your little bean head- you squirmed, and tried to cry, but you couldn't, because you are on a ventilator.
Yet again, as a mother, as your mother I feel helpless,, anyway son lets reverse this story to July16th.. Your Daddy and I woke up early, we had to be at the hospital by 10am. The hospital is far away so we got up early to pack, and get everything together. We were both really nervous, excited, but really really nervous.
I just wanted you to stay in my belly because I knew the journey ahead of you would be really hard, and wanted to spare you from any pain.
I had you by C-section and was really, really nervous something would go wrong, it felt like it took forever, finally they got you out,, and then it felt like it took forever for me to hear you cry-then i heard it, your cute, ANGRY cry, it was the happiest day of my life...( besides the day i married your daddy).
Your Daddy ran over as fast as he could to take pictures of you. There was a team of nurses, and dr. from all children's to help you,, they gave you IV's, and cleared your lungs, got you all prepped, and in your incubator, ready to wheel you thru the tunnel to All Children's.
They brought you over to me- i couldnt touch you, but they let me kiss your face, and your leg.
I got a quick glimpse, and then away you went, your daddy went with you, and watched them get you stable, and comfortable in the CVICU.
I had to stay in recovery at Bayfront, which took what seemed like forever. Once they put me in a room the Nurses dragged their feet about letting me go see you, which really upset me- i was desperate to hold you. Finally four hours later they let your dad wheel me down the tunnel, and over to All Children's CVICU, where you were.
By the time I got there you were having a very difficult time breathing, it was very fast, so they put a think called Cpap on your nose to help, they said they would try that before they put you on a ventilator.
I sat in my wheel chair staring at how beautiful you were, and touching you-I wanted to hold you so bad, but couldnt, because of the breathing device. I was more then just a little upset the nurses at Bayfront made me wait, if they had let me go down to see you when i had wanted to, I could have held you.
I remember being so amazed at how beautiful you were-absolutely the cutest baby in the whole world.
Already I could tell you had amazing spunk, and personality.

Your daddy wheeled me back to my room- we had a few visitors-your nanas were there,, your nana that lives far away was there.
An hour or so after I got back to my room the CVICU called and told me that you had been put on a ventilator. I remember being very upset, crying very hard. I was very sad, and very worried for you. Your Grammy from Wa state stayed by your side all night watching over you,, since i was not physically able to.

The next morning I went to see you, it was very hard for me to see you on the ventilator, but they assured me you needed it, it seemed being born was very upsetting to you, and it took a little while for you to get used to being out of my tummy.
Also the stress you were under caused your White Blood Cell count to rise, causing them to think you may have an infection, however we found it was soley due to stress.

A couple days passed, and they took you off the ventilator, you were like a rockstar!! You only need two little prongs in your nose to give you oxygen.
I was still unable to hold you, because you had a ton of wires in your belly button.

I was able to change your DIAPER!!! Once while changing a pee diaper, you pooped on my hand (: It was really one of the cutest things I have ever seen,, also when they changed your bedding nurse Christine let me pick you up,, or sometimes when they weighed you, i would pick you up, but never hold you.
Your daddy changed your diaper once, it was awesome to watch him smear diaper cream on your sore little bum.

What was sad, is you were so unlucky, you had a bum heart, and you were allergic to tape, and you were having a horrible diaper rash): I felt so bad for you my heart nearly broke. I prayed for you almost as much as every breath I took, somtimes i would just cry, and pray, it would never stop, you were always on my mind, and you took such control of my heart.

I poured out my heart to God literally begging him to let me keep you, and to spare you as much pain as possible, you are such a unique baby, and so sweet.,, all the nurses here in the CVICU love you.
Your nurse cut the hospital tape in the shape of footballs to keep the oxygen prongs in, because you keep ripping them out. He thought you were going to be a football player because your hands and feet were so big!!! They let me give you a bottle twice, and you loved it! Milk ran down your neck, and it was so cute to finally be able to watch you eat! Sadly the next day they made you stop because eating was taking a lot of energy you needed from your lungs, and moving it to your tummy,so you could digest the food, and your lungs needed the energy more.
I got to hold you about a week after you were born! It was the best feeling ever! You fussed a little, but calmed down when I gave you your bink- just for the record before surgery your bink was one of your favorite things, since as a write this you are not out of surgery i have no idea if you will like it again or not, but before surgery you were in love with your bink.
You actually were able to hold your own binky even at such a young age, we have a picture, it is remarkable how great your hand eye coordination is!
You were able to fight off any nurse, you would push their hands away, and wiggle, it was uplifting to see you so determined, and to know you were so strong.

Your surgery is scheduled for Monday July 27th 2009,,, as we get closer to the day of your surgery I become more, and more nervous. I have been waking up crying, so scared because your surgery will be difficult, and I just cant bare to lose you.
This is a nightmare, sadly a nightmare that turned real.
The morning before your surgery I cried really hard, just stood over your incubator and cried. It hurt me to know you would have to go through such a painful surgery. Even thought people tell me you wont remember the surgery, it still bothered me because you reacted so much, and were so alert.
Your surgery was scheduled for 7am we arrived at the hospital at 5am, the nurse let me hold you, it was hard to hold you, because i was crying so hard, so it was difficult,, the crying made my nose run, and i didnt want to get anything on you, luckily your daddy brought me a tissue.
I held you for a while, we took pictures, then your daddy held you for a while, and we took pictures, as i write i am hoping we got some on the camera, i know we got some on daddy's phone.
Then I held you again as the O.R nurses came to get you, they put you back in your incubator, and started wheeling you to the operating room,,, i followed them, and watched them wheel you down the hallway.
I cried really hard and prayed, and prayed.
The thought of the actual surgery made me cry/ knowing they would be cutting into your sweet little body was breaking my heart.
From the moment I found out i was pregnant with you, i loved you, and everyday my love for you grew. The thought of losing you, and knowing that i have a 7/10 chance of losing you was truly devastating.
They told us the surgery may take up to 7.5 hours, the nurse called us 1.5 hours through to tell us that you had made it on the heart and lung machine, and you were doing ok. Then they called and the O.R nurse told me that you were handling things well, and that Dr Jacobs was in the middle of the most extensive part of the repair which was when he put in your gortex shunt he also widened you Aorta. We waited for hours, which felt like days.
Then I got another phone call,, i was actually in the back of the waiting room fixing myself some coffee when they called ,, I answered they said surgery was over,, i felt my heart fill with joy. Then they said they were going to keep you in the operating room to make sure you were ok. They also said they were thinking about putting you on ECMO which basically was like bypass, this really scared me, and i began to cry really hard.
Your daddy took me out of the waiting room I was crying so hard,, it scared me to think of you needing that machine,,, although the nurse assured me " you were holding your own." Knowing you were fighting made me want to fight more to remain calm, and have faith God woud let me keep you. I was so fearful of losing you, but deep down I knew God has a great purpose for your life.


This was written by me while sitting by Asher's incubator a few days after his norwood surgery, not proof read just what was in my journal thought it might be a neat look into the begining of our road