Fear= an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain, or damage.
To say I have no fear of losing my son would be a lie.
When i read stories of children with the same diagnosis as Asher, and the child does not do well, my mind sneaks off to a dangerous place.
Like vapors of poison seeking a victim my fear begins to smother me, and panic ensues.
I become sick at the thought of not holding Asher again, seeing his crooked smile, or hearing his seagull shriek.
I wonder if I would, or will survive life is Asher passes away.
I worry that the pain of that event would be to much of a burden, and I will just give up on things that matter,, like my marriage, health, finances, GOD.
The fact is Asher is basically an example of a living dead, a little ghost baby ( i dont really believe in ghosts if you were wondering).
I feel confident in saying 20 years ago, even 10 years ago if Asher had been born he would have most certainly died, and here he just turned 9 months old.
That fact should make me feel better, but it doesnt.
Fighting fear is a daily battle for me.
Each morning I wake up, go into Asher's room, and breathe a sigh of relief as I lift him all warm and cuddly from his crib, so thankful we made it one more night.
Today I feel discouraged, and scared, uncertain of our future.
The only verse that has given me comfort, and a sense of calm is
Lamentations 2:19 "Pour your Heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward him for the life of your young children."
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You are amazing. So it Asher...thanks for sharing your experiences. We were told twice to "make arrangements" for our baby Eve. She has different heart defects, but since her OHS at 4 months old has been doing amazing. She just turned 16 months and we too are grateful everyday. But fear is always lurking...we pray, love and push it away. I post on Facebook.com/1in100 if you want to connect that way too. Peace, Annamarie P.S...wouldn't have blamed you if you'd have floored the lady who asked why you didn't just terminate. Ughhh...what a dork. A
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