Car Seat ENVY

I dont think to many can understand how badly i wanted to use my car seat.

I had pondered at target over car seats, and stood in that section for what seemed like hours, it especially seemed like hours to my swollen over worked ankles.
Finally I picked it!!!
My choice was brave, and the car seat stayed in the box for a looooong time. The car seat was NOT in the car on the way to deliver Asher.

Over the weeks that turned into months I would watch patients come, go, and then come back again to visit the staff ,, always in a car seat.
I would see parents walking into the hospital with an empty car seat, and walking out with a baby cuddled up snug and safe-going home.
Every morning I would walk into the hospital-no car seat, at night walk out-no car seat.
My hand yearned to hold the handle of my beautiful car seat, with Asher safely strapped in.

The days ticked, and I grew more anxious for my turn... I wanted a tee shirt, that said I JUST HAD A BABY, BUT CANT KEEP HIM WITH ME!
It bothered me, I was fat, and for all anyone knew just needed to hit the gym-why??? NO CAR SEAT. I cried aloooot, for all anyone knew i was just an emotional lady-why?? NO CAR SEAT.
Unless someone knew me they had no idea I had a baby. I never carried my car seat with Asher in it, it was like I had no proof to show the world he was born, and I HATED THAT.

I started feeling sorry for myself, thinking I DESERVE THE FREAKIN CARSEAT!
I was pregnant for petes sake,,, i threw up for months, gained 55 pounds,got stretchmarks, stopped my running, slept all the time, was unable to work, gave myself lovenox shots ( well wallace actually enjoyed stabbing me daily (: lol), had a C-section.
I deserved it, Right???

Then one day, in a room close to Asher's the battle for life was lost, and a mom walked out the hospital doors for the last time with no car seat-no baby, and part of herself missing.
Her hands hung low, her eyes tired, her body weak, her daughter dead, no car seat.

My envy disappeared. I realized my day of taking Asher home in a car seat was still a possibility, there was still hope.
I needed to be patient to wait on God, to be thankful I hadn't been the one to make that last walk down the hall, but to have compassion, and pray for that woman that did, she never got to carry her car seat.